Wife After Baby. A Husband’s Guide.

Sleep deprivation is only a small part to your wife’s temporary insanity.  In the first few months, you may witness a number of breakdowns, meltdowns and shut downs and realistically, the woman you knew may disappear and be replaced with a shuffling husk of a human female for around twelve months. Sometimes less.  Sometimes more.  She may also definitely will be suffering from decision fatigue, which will cause her to stare at you like a lobotomised corpse as she processes whether she actually does want another cup of tea.

My husband reckons I flashed a knife at him during a particular meltdown.  I can’t remember this and in my defence I was probably just chopping some veg and just so happened to gesticulate the knife in his general direction whilst making a very important point.  My husband and I are still together and thankfully he hasn’t got any major scarring.  However, I thought I’d put together a few pointers to new Dads, to help give them a slight indication of what they’ve said which resulted in a bread knife being waved in front of their face and hopefully help keep them out of A&E.

#1.  “I’m feeling knackered.”  Even if your day included discovering a cure for cancer whilst simultaneously fighting off a pride of lions from attacking a primary school, never, NEVER disclose your tiredness to your lady. Your tiredness will never compare in her head and this will almost certainly lead to actual bodily harm. Give her a cuddle instead.  But not a sex cuddle.  Just a loving cuddle.

#2.  “Just give it a bottle.”  Suggesting a bottle will undermine all her efforts to be a perfect earth mother and make her feel like you don’t care about her or your baby and you might as well just move out, find another women with no stretch marks and breed with her instead. (Like I said…Just a little bit unhinged.) Perhaps you could look up positioning on t’internet (no, not that kind) to help her with her struggles to boob feed.  Biological nurturing is a good place to start.

#3.  “When did you last feed him?”  Asking when the last feed took place will be implying that she isn’t doing her mothering duties properly and not taking proper care of her child which is a faux pas of the highest order.  You may have been innocently information gathering to help find a solution to the grizzly nature of your newborn, but to your partner, you have just said she’s completely shit and the baby would be better off with a woman with a flat stomach and plucked eyebrows who regularly features her bakes on Pinterest.  If the baby is a bit tired and grouchy, offer to take the baby out for five mins in the pushchair to give you both some breathing space.  Don’t make it any more than five minutes otherwise she will call the police.

#4. “Where are the wipes?  Do you have a nappy?  Where is the cream?”  This one is very dangerous and very likely to lead to bodily harm.  Try and get everything you need to change the baby ready beforehand.  Your wife will be peering over your shoulder picking fault in everything you do anyway but it’ll give her one less thing to harm you about.  Extra note: If you have been tasked with packing the change bag for an outing, don’t shove an entire pack of nappies in as it leaves little room for the several changes of baby clothes, creams, potions, lotions, camera, snacks, wipes and several muslins that will also need to be packed.

#5. “Have you put the support pants on under that dress?”  Not made up. Actually said by a friend’s husband.  I’m not even sure he’s alive any more.

#6.  “Any chance tonight?”  Be careful what you wish for.  It’s very possible that once your wife emerges from the hazy, zombie-like state, she will want another baby.  If you notice she’s shaved her legs, this could be a warning sign. Previous to this, expect sex to merely be getting it over with as quickly as possibly whilst she lays there with her face pressed against the baby monitor ready to jump into action at the mere whisp of a fart from the next room.

#7.  “Well you wanted kids.”  You may as well have just signed your own death warrant.  Allow your wife to complain about the tiredness, relentlessness and complete tedium.  I know this is one of the hardest things for blokes to do but we don’t want a solution, we just want you to listen. Suggesting that she’s only got herself to blame for feeling and looking like a piece of rat shit is like cock blocking yourself. Think it but just keep it firmly locked within the confines of your skull.

It’s just a small guide for starters but hopefully will keep you out of hospital. Good luck chaps…you’re going to need it.

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201 thoughts on “Wife After Baby. A Husband’s Guide.

  1. OMG!! # 7 – that one is my BIGGEST pet peeve! And my hubby always says it with a giggle and smile. Good List…# 5 is my favorite though. Not sure my hubby would be alive after that one.

  2. Absolutely HYSTERICAL! My dog is raising his eyebrows and looking askance at me. I do not normally occupy His Floor in a heap of laughter. Bravo!

    Funniest line: “I’m not even sure he’s alive any more.”

  3. Definition of irony: I read this post and can definitely agree with the “breadwinner’s misguided comments,” except that my WIFE made them. I’ve been asked these same exact questions and yes- it’s really annoying to put it mildly, as if staying at home with our 1 year-old, somehow isn’t ‘real work.’ So I pinched myself to make sure that it wasn’t 1950. No, I’m a man, a father and can completely relate, strangely, to your post. But feel strangely left out. After all, I’m not an unappreciated mother.

    1. Plus, women natter to each other and we’re the majority in this game. No wonder you feel left out – who have you got to whinge to? I salute you Honorary-Mother-But-Actually-A-Father. You can be in our pissing and moaning gang any time you like!

  4. Funny, but informative. I wish I knew all this before I had to learn them for myself. Oh, and thank you to the ER for the excellent stitching for my facial wounds.

  5. Oh this is beyond classic. Surprising such vital information has come from a woman and not a man. I can only hope that every man who read’s this manual is taking it seriously. So many doomed souls have simply laughed it off and their demise was as sweet as a strawberry tart.

  6. Whilst I accept that this post is meant to be tongue in cheek (at least partially) it’s another thinly disguised advocation that it’s OK for women to be violent towards men. Even joking about it is *not* on!

    One can only imagine the outrage if a man had written a similar piece but where he’d suggested that his wife would get a slap or threatened with a knife if she said the wrong thing.

    As someone who has had firsthand experience of this I do not find it funny. Not even for a minute. And if you believe it’s OK to say this kind of thing for “fun” then I again urge you to put the shoe on the other foot and think how you would feel if a male author wrote something like:

    “I thought I’d put together a few pointers to new mums, to help give them a slight indication of what they’ve said [to their husbands] which resulted in a bread knife being waved in front of their face and hopefully help keep them out of A&E”

    “never, ever, ever, ever, disclose your tiredness to your husband. Even if it does compare, it won’t in his head and this will almost certainly lead to ABH”

    “It’s just a small guide for starters but hopefully will keep you [The wife] out of hospital”

    I like stupid, funny and outlandish comedy and don’t like censorship at all so all I am asking Is that more thought is put into the wider picture.

  7. Apparently I must have won the lottery of wives. My wife doesn’t act this way in the least. If she did, I would have never had kids or got married. Good luck to the rest of you guys!

  8. Yes try and avoid saying stupid insensitive and just downright idiotic things to the woman that has probably been up every hour for the last 3 months or more !! While u sleep like a newborn yourself in the spare room ! Because the baby is just far too noisy for your delicate little ears !!
    Try and understand that your wife or partner is going through a living hell but yet still gets through the day semi sane 🙂
    I myself have never felt such utter rage at my partner , why ??
    Because men are not made like women and I think are so laid back they are horizontal when it comes to baby care.
    I once walked in on my oh who had our 4 day old in a sleeping bag completely upright ! All u could see was his tiny head ( he was 6 lb 3 I say tiny head thankfully lol)
    I lost count of the times I said ” what the Fcuk!!!” And I absolutely use far too many exclamation points since our son was born , oh and SHOUTY capitals when texting .
    Omg if he says to me one more time sleep when the baby sleeps I will actually lose my blob entirely !
    Yes dear I’ll sleep , and just leave the laundry , the cleaning , the sterilising etc to the cleaning fairy that magically pats us a visit every day 🙂
    Truth is buy us chocolate , smile and nod , make tea !!
    Don’t just come in from work switch on the tv and ignore the fact that your significant other is covered in pee , poo , puke and hadn’t showered and looks like she had been crying , which she prob has ! A lot !! Because she is at home all day with a small , adorable yet demanding little person and will prob get nothing done but ensure your child is well fed and happy.
    So text her during the day , or call her even better . U may have to ignore the screaming in the background and the blubbering at the other end , but just tell her she is doing amazing and u will see her soon .
    And for Pete’s sake NEVER ask ” what’s for tea?” Chances are she hasn’t eaten at all and is hangry , yes hangry lol
    Bring home some takeaway , sit in your messy house and just love your family . Everything else is just not important , but please take out the trash and recycling and after we get into the swing of things we will look after u too . But your job is to keep mummy happy that’s it really and think before u speak oh and possibly hide the knives xxx

  9. No mention of the phrase “you go back to work and i ll stay home and play with the baby”. I made the mistake of saying this to my wife. I’ve never seen such a look of venom and hate. It was a moment of madness and it was like I was flouting outside my body watching me say it and thinking I didn’t just say that did I.

  10. Shit, if only I read this eight months ago. I have said or done all of these over the last few months.
    Oh the pain that could have been avoided, the sheer despair and confusion over what I have done wrong… The worst thing being my offering of practical solutions (what can’t be solved with a practical solution?) …If I had just offered a sympathetic ear…

  11. Sounds like a guide on how to become a bitter asshole who defaults to harming people but manages to hold back. Neither of my sisters acted this way when their SOs lacked the knowledge to do things. I mean yeah there’s common sense like not making a wife feel like her plights aren’t as important but that is EQUAL to how you should treat your husband and has literally nothing to do with having had a baby. It’s common equal care for eachother. Him venting about his shitty day makes him feel better just like it would be vice versa. Some people need to work on equal partnership skills :T I couldn’t imagine treating my husband so shitty it makes my blood boil.

  12. Why doesn’t this post focus, not on the man never getting involved in the childcare but the man irritating comments responded to by saying “get involved, act like the father you are and do 50% of the childcare” maybe then women wouldn’t be perceived as “mad” or “crazy” as some silly comment by people make tired new mothers sound. I read this as a v old fashioned post but I’m not a mother (yet, hopefully one day) so maybe I’m being idealistic.

  13. Brilliant list. Hilariously accurate. Reminded me how unhinged I was for the first 8 (or maybe 18) months! And the decision fatigue – I thought it was just me!!!

    Had to share! 🙂

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