Sleep deprivation is only a small part to your wife’s temporary insanity. In the first few months, you may witness a number of breakdowns, meltdowns and shut downs and realistically, the woman you knew may disappear and be replaced with a shuffling husk of a human female for around twelve months. Sometimes less. Sometimes more. She
may also definitely will be suffering from decision fatigue, which will cause her to stare at you like a lobotomised corpse as she processes whether she actually does want another cup of tea.
My husband reckons I flashed a knife at him during a particular meltdown. I can’t remember this and in my defence I was probably just chopping some veg and just so happened to gesticulate the knife in his general direction whilst making a very important point. My husband and I are still together and thankfully he hasn’t got any major scarring. However, I thought I’d put together a few pointers to new Dads, to help give them a slight indication of what they’ve said which resulted in a bread knife being waved in front of their face and hopefully help keep them out of A&E.
#1. “I’m feeling knackered.” Even if your day included discovering a cure for cancer whilst simultaneously fighting off a pride of lions from attacking a primary school, never, NEVER disclose your tiredness to your lady. Your tiredness will never compare in her head and this will almost certainly lead to actual bodily harm. Give her a cuddle instead. But not a sex cuddle. Just a loving cuddle.
#2. “Just give it a bottle.” Suggesting a bottle will undermine all her efforts to be a perfect earth mother and make her feel like you don’t care about her or your baby and you might as well just move out, find another women with no stretch marks and breed with her instead. (Like I said…Just a little bit unhinged.) Perhaps you could look up positioning on t’internet (no, not that kind) to help her with her struggles to boob feed. Biological nurturing is a good place to start.
#3. “When did you last feed him?” Asking when the last feed took place will be implying that she isn’t doing her mothering duties properly and not taking proper care of her child which is a faux pas of the highest order. You may have been innocently information gathering to help find a solution to the grizzly nature of your newborn, but to your partner, you have just said she’s completely shit and the baby would be better off with a woman with a flat stomach and plucked eyebrows who regularly features her bakes on Pinterest. If the baby is a bit tired and grouchy, offer to take the baby out for five mins in the pushchair to give you both some breathing space. Don’t make it any more than five minutes otherwise she will call the police.
#4. “Where are the wipes? Do you have a nappy? Where is the cream?” This one is very dangerous and very likely to lead to bodily harm. Try and get everything you need to change the baby ready beforehand. Your wife will be peering over your shoulder picking fault in everything you do anyway but it’ll give her one less thing to harm you about. Extra note: If you have been tasked with packing the change bag for an outing, don’t shove an entire pack of nappies in as it leaves little room for the several changes of baby clothes, creams, potions, lotions, camera, snacks, wipes and several muslins that will also need to be packed.
#5. “Have you put the support pants on under that dress?” Not made up. Actually said by a friend’s husband. I’m not even sure he’s alive any more.
#6. “Any chance tonight?” Be careful what you wish for. It’s very possible that once your wife emerges from the hazy, zombie-like state, she will want another baby. If you notice she’s shaved her legs, this could be a warning sign. Previous to this, expect sex to merely be getting it over with as quickly as possibly whilst she lays there with her face pressed against the baby monitor ready to jump into action at the mere whisp of a fart from the next room.
#7. “Well you wanted kids.” You may as well have just signed your own death warrant. Allow your wife to complain about the tiredness, relentlessness and complete tedium. I know this is one of the hardest things for blokes to do but we don’t want a solution, we just want you to listen. Suggesting that she’s only got herself to blame for feeling and looking like a piece of rat shit is like cock blocking yourself. Think it but just keep it firmly locked within the confines of your skull.
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