A little while back, a friend and fellow blogger, brought to my attention a book which could offer me some tips on lactation advice. Great, I thought, I’m always up for a bit of inspiration. The book in question was this:
Not my usual fare, I thought, but considering I’ve been wanting to get back into reading, then this would perhaps offer a gentle reintroduction. Plus, the Kindle my husband bought me for Christmas was yet to be taken out of the box and since having children, my sex drive was so non existent, I could quite easily sit and watch Boogie Nights with my Nan and not feel in the least bit awkward. I would be killing several birds with one stone; not only might I reignite my sex flame, but I would be learning more about breastfeeding along the way. It’s a win win.
I paid my £1.87 and started to read….
Gwynne and Charles Westerlund have a little girl called Esterlene who has been having terrible trouble latching on. For 6 weeks Gwynne has persevered but she is now just so tired and engorged, she has decided to visit a Lactation Consultant called Samantha (hmmmm…no mention of whether baby was still having plenty of wet and dirty nappies, or if weight gain was ok but I presume after 6 weeks it must have been otherwise baby would be quite poorly… put it out of your mind and carry on).
Gwynne isn’t very happy with Charles, in fact she thinks he’s a buffoon. As she sits in the LC’s waiting room, her mind wanders off. She starts to remember a sexual encounter she had with a famous man called Donald Curtains and a lady called Marjorie. It was a threesome in the back of a limo. Explicitly remembering all the details in her head she almost doesn’t hear her name being called (ok…As much as the encounter with Donald and Marjorie may have been mind blowing, would a brain that has been starved of shut-eye for 6 weeks really be thinking that whilst waiting to find out her breastfeeding fate? Let it go and keep reading).
Gwynne finds herself in a small consultation room, alone, as Charles was asked to stay in the waiting room. Samantha, the very attractive and busty LC, orders her nurse to take the baby into the next room (WTactualF? This book is about a lesbian werewolf. Surely she’s not going to eat the baby? I can’t cope with that!…it’s ok….deep breaths…stay calm). Samantha asked to take a look at Gwynne’s nipples to make sure they look normal. She removes her top and bra obligingly and before she knows it she’s being fondled and kissed by Samantha. Rather than recoiling in horror, she finds herself getting taken in. (Hmmmmmm…I think I would asking for her credentials and making a phone call to the International Board of Lactation Consultant Examiners if I were Gwynne. Although I may not have waited for the sexual abuse and perhaps done it when she’d had the baby taken away. Hey ho.)
Suddenly, Samantha transforms into a hideous werewolf and starts suckling ferociously at Gwynne’s painfully engorged breasts. Gwynne is shocked by the beast but not enough to scream as she felt such relief as the milk drained from her bosoms. (Now I’ve had engorged boobs and as painful as they were, sitting like bowling balls under my armpits, I probably wouldn’t have felt overly comfortable having a werewolf, or any other kind of beast from the animal kingdom hanging off my nipple. Perhaps that’s just me.) Just as the werewolf finishes draining her, Samantha transforms back into her human self.
Samantha makes herself look presentable and tells Gwynne to do the same. Then Samantha requests Gwynne call in Charles into the consultation room. (Where’s Esterlene? Has she been eaten? Why have they named her after a window cleaning agent? Oh no, that’s Windolene. Sounds similar tho….shhhh brain…keep reading). Charles closes the door behind him and Gwynne senses what is about to happen and doesn’t try to stop it. Samantha transforms once more into the werewolf and starts to tear at the poor man’s neck, ripping out chunks of flesh, splattering the walls with blood (who’s going to clear that up?). As Charles falls to the floor, the werewolf tears off his trousers and with one clean bite, takes off his penis. (Did no one else notice that Samantha changed into a werewolf every few minutes when she was training to be a LC? Surely her fellow students must have been suspicious as to why her clothes were always ripped?). Slowly she transforms back into Samantha and orders Gwynne to help her pump up the penis using Charles’s own blood and a turkey baster. Using a rubberband, they cobble together a makeshift human dildo with which Gwynne passionately makes love to Samantha (it’s getting a bit far-fetched for me now…) and with one violent orgasm, Samantha is freed from the curse.
The curse could only be lifted if Samantha drank a mother’s milk and fornicated with a dead man’s willy and finally she had. Samantha has known from the moment Gwynne entered the room that she would be the one to help her. Just then, the nurse brought Esterlene back into the room. All that was needed was a simple frenectomy. Esterlene would be ok to nurse like a trooper from now on. The nurse looked around at the dead body and blood everywhere, gave Samantha a knowing look and said she’d deal with it (nurses always get the shit jobs). Gwynne and Samantha decided that their sexual encounter was so powerful, that they wanted to remain together and be a happy family.
YES! I totally knew it was a tongue tie.