Firstly, let me congratulate you on joining The Hood. It’s a somewhat surreal and scary place but it won’t take long for the pooh obsession to settle in. In fact, it’ll pretty much start from the first pile of sticky black mess you find trapped under your fingernails. Don’t worry. All perfectly normal. That’s what your fingernails are for.
You may have already started to discover the politics of parenting is quite unique and what party you belong to all entirely depends on your feeding method, what baby transporting equipment you use and what method of collecting turds you decide on.
You may have possibly unearthed internet facts such as, your child is going to be gay. This is especially if you are bottle feeding. Bottles are unsafe and contain chemicals that mimic female hormones. They tried to make non-gay bottles which became very popular but then they discovered recently that they’re just as gay as the rest. However, the gay-soaked chemical isn’t mutually exclusive to bottles, it’s anything that is plastic. Basically everything you have probably already bought for your child will in some way induce gayness. I’m not entirely sure why this isn’t written on the information sheets provided with every baby item you buy but I have written to the WHO to see if they can shed some light on the subject.
If you are breastfeeding, unfortunately, you won’t be spared from the chemical pandemic as your breast milk will also be contaminated with chemicals. These can also cause gayness and additionally autism, lepresy and an unnatural fixation with Play doh reviews on YouTube.
As a breastfeeding mother you will also be a social pariah should you wish to provocatively offend people with your milky nipples in public. If you continue this method of injecting nutrients down your child’s gullet into toddlerdom, I would suggest you just save any further embarrassment, take yourself to the local police station and request to be put on the sex offender’s register. Plus, if you’re boob feeding a boy child, it will make him gay.
Google will become your best friend as you incessantly research every aspect of motherhood searching for the answer as to why your baby started sleeping for four hour stretches, enabling you to emerge from your torturous head fog, but then returned to fidgeting and straining all night with intermittent 15 minutes silences whereby you desperately check for vital signs. You may from time to time have to update yourself on what poo should look like for good measure and ‘what your baby should be doing now’ for added parental pressure especially if your friend’s baby is already walking at four months and a kid your mum knows through a friend she bumped into recently was doing sign language at birth.
Do watch out though for the billion know-it-alls desperate to tell you you are doing it all completely wrong and you’re actually a fuckwit. These Unsolicited Advisors of Anecdotes tend to lurk in chat rooms and internet forums desperate to impart their worldwide parenting knowledge from their one experience of motherhood. You may find me in there. But I’ve had two kids so I totes know what I’m talking about.
Most helpful of all will be this phrase. You don’t need to memorise it because it’ll be said to you at least four hundred times a day and encompasses every unknown which is pretty much everything in parenting because only the children know the rules and they’ve made a pact to never, ever let on to grown ups.
Phases may be as follows:
Not eating enough
Eating too much
Shitting themselves at 4am after you have just managed to settle them
Starting the day at 5am
Finishing the day at 11pm
Having to be held continually between the hours of 5am and 11pm
Google is also incredibly useful for diagnosing symptoms that your baby may be experiencing, drawing an inevitable conclusion that it is probably AIDS. Both my children have had several bouts of AIDS now but seemed to bounce back quickly so nothing to be too concerned about.
Finally, as a new parent, it is imperative you become accustomed to your new identity as a compulsive liar. Your baby’s hearing and understanding is incredibly acute, even from a few days old and any difficult experience you may be encountering, your baby will be listening as you recount your woes to friends, family and health professionals. Your baby will then promptly do the exact opposite leaving you looking like an attention-seeking whore who clearly hasn’t a clue what you are doing.
If you have found my unsolicited anecdotal advice useful, you may also like to take a look at my Guide to the Fourth Trimester for more of it, which doesn’t in anyway metaphorically represent what is currently residing under your fingernails.